I’ve been feeling a little lost lately.  Disoriented.  Disconnected.  Uncertain.  Fearful.  I was thinking and praying about it this morning, wondering why I haven’t been living in a way that leads me to be truly alive and free.  And a favorite hymn came to mind.  “Arise, my soul, arise!  Shake off your guilty fears…” That line resonates with me today.  I’m not sure what I’m afraid of right now, but I think I need to shake it off.  Praying today that the Spirit will bring new life to this weary soul.

Arise, my soul, arise,
shake off your guilty fears;
The bleeding sacrifice,
in my behalf appears;
Before the throne my Surety stands,
Before the throne my Surety stands,
My name is written on His hands.

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I’ve spent a great amount of time over the past two months doing graphic design and formatting for a book project that I’m managing.  For the past 9 months I’ve been overseeing the translation process, raising the funds needed for the project, obtaining copyright permissions from the publishers of works quoted in the book, finding a printer and, in recent months, laying out and formatting the book.  It’s felt like a mammoth task.  And today I finished.  Now, just another round of proofreading to go (not my job) and then I’ll send the book to the printer.  Yahoo!

Summer is creeping along, much improved now that the living room has AC.   Some days I feel like there’s lots happening, other days I wonder how to put into words what it is that I do with my time.  Maybe I’ll fill you in one day soon, but for now I need a little bit of time away from the computer screen.  Tonight fun is on the schedule, with an evening of burritos and Bones with my teammates… and maybe some ice cream too!

I was in the car for 12 hours over two days, but enjoyed the final destination, “Biogradsko Jezero” and the surrounding virgin forest.  Walking through this ancient forest filled up my nature-needs for a while.

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Posting has been light here at Beloved Beginner because I vowed to myself not to write posts just about how hot and humid it is.  But most days I can’t think of much else.  It’s like the heat is a virus that invades my brain and obscures all productive and positive thought.  Over the past couple of weeks, with outdoor temperatures near 100 most days,  I’m sure the indoor temperature of our apartment has been over 90 degrees Fahrenheit most afternoons.  With no AC in my car or house or office, there are few places to escape.  I have discovered one quiet cafe with AC that I might start frequenting more often.  One month of summer down, at least two months to go, and summer’s kicking my butt.  But I’m starting to fight back.

I’m no longer passively enduring the heat and bugs. Today I built a screen door, sort of. The only windows in my bedroom are large French doors that open on to our balcony. The only way to let the cool(er) night air in is to sleep with the doors wide open, which means that many bugs find their way in. (Did I ever tell you about last year’s grasshopper invasion?) So, I finally did something about it today and went to the hardware store. I came out with a role of plastic mesh that I improvised into a screen door. It’s not pretty, but it should be functional. Cost: 12 Euro. Time: 1 hour. Impact: Bug free nights.

Next on the list…. maybe an AC unit for our main living space. They’re not uncommon here, we just haven’t wanted to pay to put one in our landlord’s house. Nevertheless, it may be time. I need to be mentally focused and emotionally balanced over the next two months and this might be the only way. I’ll let you know what happens.

Score so far: Summer, 1. Elizabeth, 0. But watch out summer, I’m fighting back.

You all are very creative in your thoughts on how I should use the pineapple pudding. And a little bit gross. Perhaps because I’ve been suffering from a sinus infection for the past several days, some of your more creative ideas hit a little close to home at the moment. The prize was to be a box of pineapple pudding (what else?) so if you submitted an answer and want the prize, email me your mailing address… I can’t decide, so you’re all winners if you want to be.

Not feeling very blog-inspired, or even any kind of inspired these days. It’s birthday week here at Beloved Beginner, something that tends to make me a little bit pensive. Wait, I’m always a little bit pensive… Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “how long it’s been since…” and “how long it is until…”

For instance:

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Dear blog readers, to make up for the lack of posting here lately, I’m back with a contest for my readers.

This Sunday at church a woman shoved a bag in my hand and said, “We got a humanitarian aid donation and there’s lots to share, so take this.” What did the bag contain? 37 boxes of pineapple flavored pudding. The directions are in Dutch, so I can’t tell if it’s instant pudding or the kind you have to cook. But while I figure out how to make the pudding, I need your help.

What would you do with 37 boxes of pineapple pudding?

There will be prizes for the best ideas.

…studying.
…writing papers.
…reading.
…making popcorn.
…procrastinating.
…finishing projects.
…studying.
…cleaning the house.
…teaching.
…exam taking.

If you want to talk to me before Saturday, I hope you don’t mind talking theology. Taking a week of vacation before the final week of my online class had some disadvantages. Maybe I should have worked ahead a little bit more. Everything is due on Saturday and my next class starts on Monday! Graduate school via distance education is an interesting experience.

I’ve been traveling with some friends for the past few days and we spent two nights in a small holiday apartment in the white building in the center of this photo (on the Pelješac peninsula in Croatia).  It was a beautiful, peaceful location. Below is the view from our terrace. It was a soul-renewing time, but too short!

I just finished re-reading Confessions of a Beginning Theologian (which I’ve quoted before here and have posted a brief reaction to on my Reading in 2008 page). It’s an autobiographical book which describes the author’s journey from a fundamentalist upbringing to becoming a professor of Systematic theology. So much of what Fraser writes about her struggle to find her own voice and to speak confidently (without fear of what other people think) resonates with me. And it resonates not just in the context of being a woman who is venturing into the male-dominated world of theology, but also in the broader context of day-to-day life and relationships. Take the following quote for example:

I began finding my public voice…. I began speaking from my heart. Reluctantly, I gave up my lifelong habit of watching myself out of the corner of my eye. I stopped trying to phrase things so that no one could possibly disagree with me. Word by word, I learned to speak just as I was — not as I thought I ought to be, and not as I thought others wanted me to be. I began paying attention to others’ responses and mine, instead of rushing ahead to the next thing I wanted to say. It was like learning to dance. Practice, practice, practice. Three steps backward, one step forward.  (Elouise Renich Fraser, Confessions of a Beginning Theologian, 1998, IVP)

Oh how I wrestle with that same issue: wanting to phrase things in such a way that no one will be hurt or offended, so that no one can misunderstand or disagree. This is not because I don’t have definite, strong opinions about a variety of issues, it’s because I am sometimes uncomfortable with the impact that my words may have on others. Even here, on this blog, there are topics I stray away from because I know that there are those among my dedicated readers who probably disagree with my way of thinking about certain issues. I’m challenged to stop being afraid of my own voice and to learn to join the conversation in a new way. I’m pondering what that might look like at this stage in my life.

…thinking a lot about relationships. What defines a healthy relationship? Why do healthy relationships seem to happen naturally between some people and to be impossible between others?
…wanting a deeper theological understanding of how sin has distorted our world and a new vision of what restoration really means.
…mediating a conflict between two friends in our local fellowship.
…wondering how in the world I got pulled into this thing and if I’m doing the right thing or not to be involved in this way.
…wishing for a day off, from my own thoughts.
…looking forward to a week of vacation when two friends arrive from the States in 7 days.
…listening to the Car Talk podcast as I go to bed tonight.
…playing Scrabulous on Facebook with my mom.

What are you doing this weekend?